Facts and Figures

Dahlings, you'll prolly get your panties in a bunch over this posting if you're operating under these false pretenses but I am just a reporter and shooting the messenger does not change the news ;)

I laughed when I heard a pop song the other day. The line that struck me was "If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it". Touche, bitches. But that is the glibbest interpretation of "being taken care of" (from the female perspective). As the movie "Dangerous Beauty" shows, there are alternatives to marriage. But they sho' ain't free.

Gentlemen, you are asking a woman to commit some wife duties. But not offering wife status, even as a potential in the future, as is the common ruse in common dating. Refer to the post about the vulnerable nature of the female form if you're not sure why women need to be taken care of ;)

Specifically, you're asking for sex and companionship. But one of the things that is often overlooked is the love nest where that love making is produced. 93.6% of the time, it is expected that the babe will host cuz it'd make your wife suspicious if you threw a party for two at your place, and she wasn't invited ;) So, you're looking for some housekeeping duties as well. Namely, aside from the comfortable space itself, clean floors, a clean bathtub (lest you go home covered in her sweet nectar and/or hair) and... clean sheets ;) Or maybe you don't care about clean sheets but I know that if you wanted me to get naked in your bed, I wouldn't want to be sharing your wife's come and/or drool. Sorry, should I have posed that more eloquently, Lol, we're all grown ups, let's get over the idea that talking about sex and sexuality is a bad thing. It's what we're all here for, isn't it?

So, what are you offering for those wife duties? Cuz it ain't grass cutting or curtain rod hanging. That much has been established. And she agrees with those terms. But if you can't define it in fiduciary terms... this may come as an absolute shock to you but EVERY man has a penis, hon. That's part of why we like y'all. But it just ain't enough. Just like your interest in using it with her is not enough for her to tear your clothes off. If she is confident, of course. I have seen women fall for the most insulting displays of courtship but it almost always boils down to a lack of self-esteem and something on the verge of desperation for some attention that feels good. Even if it's bad on some/most levels, she's hard up enough to ignore those things because of the little ego strokes she gets from him. But I digress.

If you've been to University, you're probably still feeling inundated by the mention of Maslow and his hierarchy of needs. Or maybe you're familiar with the concept regardless of your schoolin'. Regardless, a refresher is always a good thing so I'll refer you to our good buddy Wikipedia because it has pictures, too. I kid cuz I love. If this is a new or forgotten concept the diagram is actually very helpful and acts as a quick reference guide. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

Quick reference shows that the sexual intimacy comes after basic physiological and safety needs. The direct translation is that if she is stressed about rent and all the rest of the costs of staying alive, sexual intimacy is the furthest thing from her mind. This is not "playing hard to get", it is the effect stress has on the human form.

If you cannot offer relief, she will be busy making sure her obligations are met. "Struggling student" isn't a cute idiom, it's succinct. "Getting established" is another, more general, way to understand the position your potential sugarbabe is coming from.

And so, while we're breaking down the numbers on stress free living, I'll cite the most recent available L.I.C.O. value (that IS established by the world we live in, don't shoot the messenger ;) as declared  by The Man http://www12.statcan.ca/census-recensement/2006/ref/dict/tables/table-tableau-18-eng.cfm

So, the 2005 figure is set at $20778. According to CPI inflation calculator that Google found for me, the current value was reflected at about $24000. If you rent a room in someone's basement for $500 a month, $24000 yearly is actually quite doable. It's a lot more ideal to a relationsugar to have a private space. Take a quick peak through your local classifieds and find an apartment or condo you'd set foot in for less than a grand. *shudder

It might just seem that I am throwing out random numbers but there is actually a method to this breakdown. Quality of life numbers are based on the idea that your housing costs are a quarter of your "income". If the L.I.C.O. is $24000, quality of life is (based on $2000/12mos) a housing cost of $500. Realistically, a love nest costs closer to $1200/mo... so, doesn't that mean that if you are offering "quality of life" the budget would reflect something closer to four times that value as is the standard "they" have decided reflects quality of life?

And, let's be real, it's not just the wife duties and eating the proper foods to maintain that hottie body (did I forget to take yoga and the gym into account?)... you want her to be all relaxed and have a nice manicure and pedicure and nice teeth and great hair, mmm, great hair! And let me just ask you plainly, when was the last time your wife shaved/waxed her coochie? Everyone should trim, it's a courtesy, unless full amazon is your deal ;) A spa day to get relaxed and waxed and buffed and polished and plucked and mudmasked and a lil oxygen treatment and a tan and all the other things women engage in to be pretty and soft costs a pretty penny and a bunch of time. Call up any spa and say this "look, I'll just be frank. My girlfriend is stressed and bitchy. What would it cost me to distract her with a spa day so she'll come home relaxed and just feeling great". You might crap your pants a little to hear the answer. Average about $200-400 a week including hair...

So, that's just the carcass, we have yet to get into the costume department... Shoes, shoes, shoes, every bitch loves shoes. It's undeniable and not worth trying to fight. But no woman is so horny for shoes that she will engage in a Dom/sub relationship with a married man for an occasional pair of stilettos. And aside from that ridiculousness, (that really isn't if you want her to look great and fantastic, instead of just "okay") I'm sure you aren't interested in seeing her in sweats. Athletic activities and lululemon fetishists aside.

I'm not bitching cuz it is just the way it is. But honestly, have you gone browsing for women's clothes lately? If you want her to look hot and feminine and lovely and super squeezable... designer jeans are far hotter than the Kmart version and cost ten times the amount. Lingerie... ya, it's fun to wear but entirely for your benefit ;) I saw a beautiful teddy the other day for $300. Moderately well made but nothing more than pretty when it came right down to an honest assessment of the product. Don't believe that a sexy garment could possibly cost that much? That range is the pedestrian version of lingerie. Check out Agent Provocateur's new line http://www.agentprovocateur.com/lingerie/new-collection.html Their stuff is interesting and well made. And their prices reflect that.

Life costs money, more or less depending on your geography. A budget of $3000 a month means that all of her essentials are covered. She can work to pay for school or her business or her lovely brats. But staying alive isn't a concern if she manages not to walk in front of a bus. $4000 is a point where a person can live well in our society. $5000 is really manageable if you don't have drug or gambling problems.

My initial foray in to the world of sugar was a classic bait and switch that happened when I was but a wee gaffer. I responded to an ad in the business classifieds (yes, in an actual newspaper) posted by a man allegedly looking for a business to invest in and help develop. His primary business was alive and kickin' and he was looking for a fresh challenge. Which actually meant sugar baby. Had he been honest and posted his ad in the personals and cleverly conveyed that he was looking for a sweet young thing to spend time with I may have considered it. But he played trickster so I didn't trust him.

Not much different than now, I worked a lot so I really wasn't available to "hang out" with him anyway. So, finally one day he just asked me straight out "Why do you work so much?" To which I replied, "what?" because I was genuinely baffled at the question. As he repeated it, he interrupted himself and exclaimed "OH!! You have costs associated with living" as though he'd just discovered the theory of relativity. I stopped answering his calls at that point. He was 51and it shouldn't have come as a surprise that food and shelter cost money

So, to answer the question I walk away from most frequently: No, if you buy her a ticket to a beach midwinter it doesn't come out of the cost of living allowance, especially if the allowance isn't big enough to take you out for lunch occasionally. Do you get to not pay your mortgage cuz you're on vacation?

Fantasy or Reality?

So, there I am and she says to me, she says "I'm going a trekkin' and this is where I intend to explore."

And I says to her, I says, "Because you intend to visit in a predominantly old school Muslim area, there are practicalities you'll need to be aware of. For example, you can't dress like a North American over there. It could get you dead. Or worse..."

So, she says to me, she says, "That's bullshit! That's not what I signed on for! You're a dirty rotten motherfucker."

Then I says to her, I says, "Don't hate the player, baby, hate the game. I didn't create the customs, I'm just reporting facts. If you don't like those facts, don't go a trekkin' there."

You don't have to like the rules of Monopoly, you can choose not to play. Either way, it doesn't really matter, it's just a game.

But if you say you are having a Monopoly party. And all your poker buddies show up ready for a good time, Monopoly styles. And THEN you spring on them that you've modified the rules so the odds of winning are more stacked in your favour... well, ain't nobody gonna buy those lottery tickets. They will call you a jive turkey motherfucker and drink all your beer and puke in your wife's begonias on the way out.

The even greater faux pas is when you're all "Haha, guys! I really invited you out here, to this cabin in the woods, so we could play Twister." Sure, it might turn into that gay porno fantasy you've always wanted but it might also result in the beating of your life.


The rules of the Sugar Dating Game are simple, you pay for her time, she gives you her time. If you develop intimacy, woohoo!! And if you don't, you simply bid each other adieu with a friendly smile.

For the record, stop taking it all so personally. I don't mean "you" you. Especially about the Monopoly porno fantasy, it's nothing to be ashamed of. In all seriousness, if you feel resonance with a story or musing, rest assured that lotsa readers share your excitement and/or misery. You choose which.

These ramblings are intended  to educate and elevate OUR understanding of the Land of Sugar. Simply because we want to navigate here well. To avoid shitting all over local custom we relieve ourselves of our ignorance by learning... ahem "School of Sugar" ;)

Niche Dating

Sure, it could happen... but the woman looking for a baby daddy/husband is not hanging out at local pubs baring her tittays if she wants to find a serious sperm donor who is also committed to monogamy and procreation. IF she wants to be successful.

Is there anything wrong with wanting to build a family? Hell, no, if that's your deal. But you don't try to get with the "bad boys" if co-parenting is your intention, you go out with men who are into the family/kids scenario... Likewise, gay men don't go to straight bars (haha, ya right ;) and vanillas don't attend the bdsm soirees. An entirely roundabout way of saying that simply because we are in the same niche doesn't mean we are compatible.

The point of dating is to determine our compatibility. The only real difference is that in Sugar Land, the dating never ends. It's a perpetual honeymoon. Sweet!! Oh ya, that's why it's called Sugar Land :)

This is niche dating, nothing more or less. There is everything right with wanting or having a sugar mistress. It's no different than being in the meat market for a marriage or a booty call.

I'd bet two whole quarters that you didn't propose to your wife after the first or second date. But you knew you wanted to explore the idea of her and you more. Translation: You wanted her time (and attention). In Sexy Marriage Land that means you date and act like a guy she'd want to marry. In Sugar Land that means you present the budget and act like a guy she'll want to continue dating for years to come.

Whichever dating niche you're in, if you are conducting yourself with manners and civility, there may just be some of whatever you're after in store for you.

Glossary of Terms

Glossary of terms: random clarifications on my language use. Watch for additional terms, misunderstandings within language are rampant in our world, the School of Sugar is here to set you straight.

Sugarelations: Clearly defined and designed interactions based on genuine interest and self-interest in helping each other enjoy a better life. Negotiations pertaining to an arrangement.

Arrangement: A contract each party can count on, co-designed to satisfy each other's needs for stress relief, based not on obligation or responsibility but rather a true desire to revel in the giving and receiving that is uniquely ours.

Relationsugar: Interactions based on clearly defined and designed goals generally pertaining to all the fun stuff a relationship has to offer without the traditional progression to cohabitation, curtain rod hanging, picket fences, marriage, offspring and Saturday BBQs.

Relationship: ANY interaction you have with another thing, animate or inanimate. Relationship does not soley pertain to man/woman relations but also to the interactions you have with the gas attendant or the clerk at the convenience store or your employees or your wife or etc. etc. etc. One of the most commonly misinterpreted words in the English language.

Oh Sugar, Beware

Many of these posts will be from my perspective. The babe's. It doesn't matter if you're in a same sex relationship, just interchange, his for her's and/or she for he, where necessary.

We could sit and debate all day about the difference between keeping a mistress (sugar babe) and enlisting the services of a prostitute (or whatever the politically correct term is these days). But I can sum it up in a single word: commitment.

Ladies, beware any suitor who even alludes to a per visit "arrangement". He is looking for a prostitute, with the heart of gold of course. Whether he is able to admit it or not.You're not her, or you're in the wrong class. Sex trade worker school is one room over. The professor is great, you'll learn a lot! Now get out so we can get back to class.

So, from the suitor's perspective, especially if this is a first time experience, it can be intimidating and a little scary to throw a three or six or nine grand allowance at an almost stranger. But you don't want the same experiences you've had, so you can't keep doing the same things. If you want to bed this lady eventually, take the leap and make that commitment to her in dollars and sense. And see if she fulfills her end of the agreement of spending Wednesday afternoons with you, feeling into your heart because she is free to just be present and attentive, just for you. It's what you came to Sugar Land for.

I can hear you, "Wait- WTF is the agreement here? I throw out a wad of cash on a maybe?" I know. Sometimes it can be a bit much to live ahead by a century (of the rest) but here we are. And you can't look backward and forward at the same time. So, what'll it be?

Let me be glib. You can either go to the nursery and pay for a flower pot and some dirt and seeds and fertilizer and a watering can and grow yourself a pretty little flower. Or you can go to the nursery and pay for  a plant that is already flowering. The sugar babe requires that cultivation time of the wining and dining to open up to you and grow into the intimacy you are building. The prostitute is ready to go if you pony up with the cash. It's intimate but only so far as randomly grinding sex organs with a stranger can ever be. And it has it's place, don't get me wrong, these are simply statements of fact without judgement. But the idea of relationsugars is to cultivate that intimacy rather than assume your throwing down her allowance grants you access to her sweet booty before she has a chance to get to know you and want to tear your clothes off to give back the great feelings you are inspiring in her.

If you fulfill your commitment to the $5000 dollar allowance and act like a gentleman, she'll be up all over your dick in no time. Simply a figure of speech but if you act trustable, she will feel comfortable and the intimacy you're looking for will happen. And it will be amazing or entirely disappointing when you get to the sex. That's the gamble in any relationship. If it's great, you're relieved and happy to post date a year's worth of cheques.  If it's workable but not awful you still feel relieved and happy to write the cheques cuz you feel that once you get to know each other's bodies better the sex will definitely improve. And frankly, if it's awful between you, because she's a cold fish, or there just isn't any naked chemistry, or bad physics, or you're kinky and she's vanilla, or whatever other reason people use to decide not to share condoms again, you can simply say, "Thanks for the great times we shared but we aren't compatible lovers so this isn't going to work out... Did you say you had a friend looking for a sugar daddy? Is it too soon to ask for her number?" Never say this while you're still in bed.

We're here to be and bring out the best. There is a nice way to reject someone, and a shithead version. Let's all practice being sugary sweet to each other regardless of the outcome. If we lead by example maybe some of the rest will catch up to where we are and we'll have inadvertently helped to co-design a society where you could actually say to your wife "Honey, I'm going golfing with the boys this afternoon, and then I was really hoping to catch a few hours with the sugar babe. Do you mind if I'm not around for dinner?" And she can respond, "All good, I just got a text from my lesbian lover wondering if I am available to drop everything and go have a fantastic weekend in Paris. Are you cool with eating out this weekend? Lol, you'll be eating out this weekend all right. Have a great game, hon. I'll see you in a few days."