This Is Not A Simulation

This, friends and well-wishers, is a real conversation I had with a man whom I believe honestly believes he is sugar material. I'll openly acknowledge that it was probably a lil bit mean to toy with him and play on words with an individual who sincerely just isn't "gettin' it". But if you have any sense of humour at all, you will easily see how I couldn't resist the lil bit of good natured fun that it was. I can't blame TV but maybe if it was more entertaining I wouldn't be so easily amused by hilarious word exchanges with randoms from the internet.

The "here sugar, sugar" advertisement he responded to asked for these specifics: male 30-50, a photo and  budget/expectations.

I tried to keep it simple. General literacy and manners can be determined from the response itself, I felt listing those prerequisites would only add confusion. I'll post the ad, too, if you're interested in further applied psychology behind presentation in the sugar arena. There will be a post befo' too long about photos. But for now, this is an actual conversation, presented as it happened, in response to that ad. I just mean, I could write shit this good, but I really couldn't write shit this good. Enjoy!

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Brett Howell

Dinner and 300. Or just dinner. Do I get a pc?

19 Oct (5 days ago)

"Potential Suitor": Hey how it going. I am 20. I am willing to take u out for dinner and help u out when anyway u need. I not looking for a one night stand. I want an ongoing thing 

 

Moi: Fantastic, I definitely have an $8000 bill I need to cover! Lol, I don't mean to be rude but I'm not sure you fully understand my post on cl.  Taking me out for dinner is a given, relationsugar or regular boyfriend ;) but I'm looking for a relationsugar specifically this time around ;)
AND you didn't include a photo...

"PS": Hey. Sorry. I'd give u 300 towards it. [Includes photo w response]

Moi: For dinner? Done deal! When would you like to dine?

"PS": Dinner and 300. Or just dinner. Do I get a pc
"PS": Dinner and 300. Or just dinner. Do I get a pc [yes, he sent it again]
"PS": When u free

Moi: Lol, both... And I'll explain what a relationsugar is to you for free ;) I have time tomorrow, maybe early Friday evening depending on work.

"PS": Sounds good. As long as we get to havge fun after

Moi: ... Lol, lol... As I said initially, it's apparent you didn't fully understand my post ;) good luck w the reading comprehension and the dating game :)

"PS": O:(
"PS": I no what it is. It just last time I give a girl 400. I never got laid or anything out of it. That why I won't give large amounts out at once. Can u send a pc
"PS": I no what it is. It just last time I give a girl 400. I never got laid or anything out of it. That why I won't give large amounts out at once. Can u send a pc [yes, he sent it again]
 

Moi: You're confusing prostitute with sugar baby. Check out my blog SOS www.schoolofsugar.blogspot.com  I'll blog about this in more detail when I have time but time is money, so ya jus' goan hafta wait I s'pose!



K, I shan't talk again so soon about expecting sex, a la Pro Contract, when you offer to take a potential sugar babe out for dinner and offer some cash to acknowledge her time and get your foot in the door by letting her know you were serious. So, I'll talk about the fact that if you see $400 as a "large amount"... um, perhaps sugaring isn't for you and you'd be better off as a Thoughtful Lover who spoils his lady friend with a spa day every once in a while.

I will address the fact that I was a fun bitch about it, rather than just let it go. But I've been told I'm a bitch for walking away when I show up for a first meeting and the person at the table isn't the person from the picture exchange. Whether because they used a fake picture entirely or because it was ten years old. Lying is totally unnecessary in a relationsugar and I won't waste more time on someone who has already wasted my time not being honest. And with any contract, language use is of utmost importance. So, I was playin' on words, cuz it's fun.

And I will address the fact that we now we all have the opportunity to explore these themes together, too. Like the idea that if a woman asks for a few simple things to help screen out "potential" from "unqualified", she's committing preliminary testing for incongruencies and has asked for those details on purpose because...

*while men may generally receive very few responses from women on the internet, a woman generally doesn't even need to be hot in any traditional sense to get a barrage of attention from claimants. Time is money...
*in Sugar Land, everyone claims to be affluent. Time for money is the only way she can know you're for "real" real, not for "play" play.
*women really do need to exercise a lot more caution when meeting strangers. Especially when the pretenses are sexual.

Not only was this particular respondent waaaayyyyy out of the age range in the wrong direction, he neglected to define his budget/expectations, as well as include a photo. 0/3, that's actually 0/5, with manners and literacy all in... what's a girl to do with that?

And his claim was that he would "help out when anyway [I] need". So, I called him on that (not even sure how to interpret those word strings*), knowing that he wasn't even qualified to be on the internet, let alone responding to live humans via said media. Lol, perhaps that was a little harsh but with all due respect, B, my email status does say "Can't say I didn't warn ya!"

If you can't make good on some information, she won't be willing to believe you will make good on the rest. And you will be cut from tryouts. Doubly if you throw a hissy fit (whiny, abusive or otherwise) when presented with the fact that you've yet to reveal the information she's asked for, so she's not willing to believe you will come through on the rest. Actions speak louder than words but a clever sort can always filter the words for the forthcoming interactions she can expect.

Arrangement

As defined by thefreedictionary.com an arrangement is: A provision or plan made in preparation for an undertaking.

The root word "arrange" is the key to the whole "mystery" of sugar dating.  So, we arrange our relationship... not much different than any other relationship, except that North Americans have funny ideas about sexual needs. And relating in general.

One thing is for sure in an arrangement, you are unavailable to her. There is no promise of marriage, kids and the white picket fence, as is the typical ruse in dating. Not even the midnight booty call option. So, what value are you offering instead? Her allowance and the perks. It becomes a fair trade at this point.  Because despite being permanently unavailable to meet her needs (cuz you're married, or cuz you work too much to maintain a girlfriend, etc. etc.), you want her to be there for you. And ultimately, it's awesome to understand your needs and wants!

You need to ask yourself, why would a sweet young thing agree to a complicated relationship that is mostly about your needs and will never, ever go anywhere but dirty sheets (if it ever gets that far)? Altruism? Nope, that's a fantasy about human nature. "Love"? Nope, that's part of the white picket fence role play. And love takes time to grow so it wouldn't be instant anyway. If you believe that your sexual interest in her alone is enough to get her pants off, you need to get in queue with the others who don't realize she gets enough attention that she can be selective about who she engages.

Consider, for just a moment, that it could be that she (like most other humans being) needs and wants to be taken care of and give care in return. That she wants and needs companionship and sexual intimacy with a compatible partner. And that part of that compatibility relates to his ability, and willingness, to provide for her needs so she can take care of him in exchange. Without the ring, the playpen and the fence.  Because she's aware that wants to feel good, too!

It's mutual self-interest. Because we ALL want to feel good. Selfish is when you ONLY care about your happiness. Self-interest happens when you care about your happiness, TOO. Like the self-interest of maintaining your marriage. Whether it's emotional and/or financial, your assessment is that it'd be better to keep the wife AND find some happiness you're not getting at home. The sugar babe perceives that she'll trade some sweet wife duties for some sweet husband duties. Plain and simple.

So ladies...yes, generally "arrangement" infers that over time you will develop sexual intimacy as well as a friendship of sorts. It might simply mean dancing naked or naughty pics or sexting. It's an arrangement, you get to arrange it. In a way that works for both of you. But he is in it for companionship and ultimately, sexual stimulation. If there is nothing you can give on that end, courtsie as you thank him graciously and admit your defeat.

Gentlemen, the same is true of your end. If you haven't the financial means or ultimately, the  intention to buy the cow, thow shan't expect free milk. If you want her to believe you, you need to be aware of the fact that she is aware of the fact, that in creating this arrangement you're acting against the commitment you declared at your wedding. She gets it, no worries there. But she is aware to watch for any incongruencies that might indicate your unwillingness to follow through on the sugar arrangement. Inconsistencies might include acting sexually inappropriate or impolite or you choose not to "make good on your promises", like allowance and/or gifts and/or travel.

It's either an arranged mutual usership, or it's a standard one-sided relationship, not an arrangement.